King Cantona – Manager of Evian
In 1789, during a walk, the Marquis of Lessert drank water from the Sainte Catherine. The marquis, who was allegedly suffering from kidney problems and plagued by the inability to finish with his left foot, drank the water regularly while he walked, and claimed that his health improved. The marquis also finished with 23 goals in the Palace of Versailles League (its last year).
200 years later, on the shores of Lake Geneva, a football club was formed that embodied the vigor and revolution of the famed eaux minérales that shared its nom de guerre: Evian FC.
This year, Evian brings its revolution to Ligue 1.
King Nemanja – Manager of FC Porto
BREAKING NEWS: FC Porto appoint King Nemanja as new first team coach.
New Porto coach K N believes the club can continue to grow and thrive despite the departure of his highly-rated predecessor Vitor Pereira.
Pereira tendered his resignation with the Portuguese champions on Tuesday and is now considering a move away from Portugal.
But Porto, who won the league by 6 points over Benfica, under Vitor Pereira’ stewardship last season, wasted no time in hiring his replacement, with the young upcoming coach King Nemanja elevated to the hotseat.
The 21-year-old is confident the loss of Pereira can be overcome, insisting last season’s league win cannot be wholly attributed to the leadership of Vitor Pereira.
“While Pereira was the man behind the team, the credit must go to the players. They played fantastic all season, and deserved the win.”
K N has come up through the coaching ranks, and will now face his biggest test to date. Porto fans have the backing of their new coach 100%, with some believing he will become the new Jose Mourinho.
When asked what his goals were for the season, K N had this to say;
“While securing top spot in Portugal is the main goal, I am also confident of being triumphant in the Rest of Europe League, while winning the club’s 3rd Champions League is also high on the priority list.”
Well then, the bar has been set for K N and his Porto team. Only time will tell if he can replicate the man that is Jose Mourinho, and become a true FC Porto legend.
Lateriser 12 –Manager of Nice
Murmurs were echoing the walls of the conference room at the soon to be demolished Stade Municipal Du Ray. This was the last year at a stadium which saw the team bring home 4 league titles and 3 cup titles. The last time OGC Nice won a league was in 1959 and the fans were restless and wanted a memorable last season at this memorable stadium.
Announcer – “Asseyez-vous, mesdames et messieurs.”
In much anticipation, the journalists sit down, some of them bald, some more bikini clad.
Journalist 1 – “The president Jean-Pierre Rivère said the 50’s are going to be back.”
Journalist 2 – “I hear they are bringing in someone outside of France. I heard a rumor this guy some psychopath who rhymes.”
The president enters. Takes the mike.
President Jean-Pierre Rivere – “Yes, ladies and gentlemen. What you hear is right. We have terminated Claude Paul as soon as appointing him because we managed to get someone on board, someone we simply could not turn down. We have for you, straight from 221B Baker Street, a man who is the brightest mind in London. He is what you call a consulting manager. He can play the violin, he can rap a bit and with his new age philosophy of applying the art of deduction in the sports..”
Interruption. Violin playing. A thin lean man with curled up hair in a black coat enters & takes the mike.
“Ladies & gentlemen, this glorious stadium’s last year,
Makes me emotional, but I will not shed a tear,
In our opponents’ eyes, we will strike fear,
So calm down, relax, go grab some beer!
Trophies have deluded Nice, for a very long time,
Our footballers have been busy. Instead of shooting balls, they shoot with salt & lime,
I’m here to set the record straight,
I’m here because no more will you need to wait.
Be it the well respected Heco, or Gervinho’s forehead,
The art of deduction is going to leave all of them dead.
KingEric, SuperDunny, or Coldplay,
This high functioning sociopath will keep them all at bay!
The French league & French women are all going to be mine.
OGC Nice, get ready to get noticed! This is your time!
*Journalist raises hand up* I take no questions, put down that thing!
What is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring!
It’s a ‘Long & Winding Road’ to the place where we belong,
But in the end, we will sing the victory song.
Brace yourself. Time is running. Tick Tock.
There’s a trophy coming home, cause, bitch, I’m Sherlock!”
*Throws the mike and walks out of the door*
“THE GAME, MRS.HUDSON, IS ON!”
Bedknobsandboomsticks –Manager of Fenerbahce
Interview from the Turkish press, with David Tomlinson, former star of Mary Poppins and Bedknobs and Broomsticks, and new owner / manager / dictator of Fenerbahce:
David Tomlinson leans back in his vast leather armchair, and strokes his white Persian cat thoughtfully for a while before answering.
“Why did I buy Fenerbahce and install myself as manager? Why not? Istanbul is a beautiful city, and the club has…..been good to me financially in the recent past….”
We had arrived on the tropical island of Niue by private helicopter. Until recently this tiny speck of land had been a commonwealth republic before Mr Tomlinson was surprisingly elected Grand President for Life this summer. Certainly the people seemed happy. Everyone wore the new traditional national headwear of a bowler hat, many were singing whilst flying kites, and everyone smiled and smiled and smiled, almost as if their lives depended on it. We made the customary abasements before one of the vast bronze statues of Tomlinson that now dominate the island and made our way to his secret subterranean headquarters by monorail.
After negotiating the 7 levels of security that surround his person, we were lead into Tomlinson’s private office where we met the man himself.
“Welcome, or should I say ‘Hoscakal’”, he said, smiling benignly, as we were led in. We took a seat beneath a huge canvas depicting his repulsion of the Nazi invasion of England and commenced the interview.
Continuing on from his first comments, he says “I am aware that many people question my suitability to run and manage a football club, but I have significant financial experience with my time at the Fidelity Fiduciary Bank, and I also have experience of refereeing at a top level including the Naboombu Cup. I also once finished 52nd in the world in the Fantasy Premier League for the month of April. I repeat, 52nd in the world!”
At this point a servant in traditional chimney sweep garb bursts into spontaneous applause.
“But where did you get the money from to fund such a lavish purchase?” I enquire, reverentially.
“Well, when you invest tuppence in the bank, soon you’ll see, that it blooms into credit of a generous amount,” he replies, “plus my control of the international credit markets and a certain amount of luck betting for and against my beloved Fenerbahce has helped. Of course, the rumours over my threatening to pump sea water into the North Anatolian Fault if I wasn’t given the club are completely false….”
“It certainly is a remarkable achievement,” I reply once he has finished his maniacal laughter “especially considering that your film career has hardly blossomed in recent decades.”
“No. No it has not. Let me tell you, one whiff of scandal and Disney drops you like that. Dick Van Dyke was just as guilty for what we did to those penguins, but they hushed it all up and blamed it on me. Well I will have my revenge on Van Dyke, so help me God!”
Tomlinson suddenly snatches off his bowler hat and skims it across the room, decapitating a statue. And with that the interview is over.
I now look forward to spending a great deal more time on this enchanting island and wish to ensure my family that I am completely happy here.
Edmond Brook reports for Today’s Zamman from the island of Niue.
Green Windmill – Manager of Grenada
The Secret Diaries
9 August 2012
OMG! You’ll never believe what’s happened! Just when I was starting to think my managerial career was over before it really got started I received the MOST amazing job offer today – I’ve been asked to become the new head coach of Grenada!
I don’t know much about them at this stage but I’ve done a Google search and it looks amazing. It will mean a bit of upheaval in my personal life but how can I turn down the chance to manage a national team in the Caribbean?! Apparently they’re nicknamed ‘The Spice Boys’ and they’ve never qualified for a World Cup – this is going to be just like ‘Cool Runnings’ only with a football team (note to self – great idea for a film).
I’m going to start packing straight away – from here on in it’s nothing but rum and reggae for me, finally – everything’s coming up Windmill!
Turns out I’ve been approached about the manager’s job for GRANADA – some godawful Spanish club whose biggest achievement to date is losing in the cup final! Trouble is I’ve already signed the contract. I’m screwed.
Went on the Wikipedia page for Granada – it’s twinned with Sneinton in England for pity’s sake. Followed the link to the page on Sneinton and apparently it’s famous for something called “Green’s Windmill”. I think Wikipedia is mocking me.
It’s been a bad day.
PS – what the hell am I going to do with 5,000 rizlas?
Reina Man – Manager of A.C. Chievo Verona
(Series of short press conferences)
BREAKING NEWS: Pepe Reina has arrived at the Stadio Marc’Antonio Bentegodi to finalise his contract and take over from Domenico Di Carlo as manager of A.C. Chievo Verona
——————— Source: ————————
——— http://i.imgur.com/es3oy.png ———
After Pepe Reina was seen at Stadio Marc’Antonio Bentegodi earlier today, http://i.imgur.com/es3oy.png
Chievo Verona can now confirm that he has signed on a one year rolling contract, he left the stadium just minutes ago to the roars of the Chievo faithful, http://i.imgur.com/mdwQV.png
The club can also confirm that a press conference will be held at the stadium tomorrow.
After Pepe Reina’s busy day with Chievo, he has been spotted with his wife, winding down and soaking up the nightlife Verona has to offer, the couple were kind enough to pose for this photo: http://i.imgur.com/ajVmD.jpg
Pepe Reina today met with the squad and the entire staff of Chievo Verona, and gave a short speech from the central pedestal of Conference Room B. It is said that Pepe was impressed with the unity in the camp and the ambitions of the club as a whole. This photo was leaked on twitter by goalkeeping coach, Peter Spinosa.
Heco 87 – Manager of Toulouse
On 9th August, Heco87 was confirmed as the new Manager of French Ligue 1 club, Toulouse.
Heco is said to be pleased with the squad he has inherited containing Moussa Sissoko, who he has previously worked with at a number of clubs on FM2010 and Jonathan Zebina who he worked with extensively as Manager of AS Roma, Champ Man 01/02.
Toulouse finished 8th in Ligue 1 last season and produced some standout displays but Heco will be hoping to better the performances of predecessor, (the brilliantly named) Alan Casanova and push for a top 5 finish.
Following the approach by Toulouse FC, the contract was duly signed and Toulouse were quick to update their Wikipedia page to reflect this announcement.
That’s plenty for today. If we have missed your pressers etc, mail us at email@example.com, and we will add it in the next post. There is plenty to look forward to as we can promise you that in the next post we have an exclusive interview with Bowstring 92 -Manager of Torino FC and we also have exclusive coverage of the press conference as RCD Espanyol unveils it’s new manager – Tangtastic.