Pressers are raining in, so we will try and keep it limited to 4 per post
As promised, we start of with the one from Fiorentina who have recently appointed RoysCallerAnne as Manager
Stadio Artemio Franchi.
Hastily arranged press conference.
Q ; Signore RCA, welcome to Tuscany! I trust you and your family have settled in well?
A ; *takes large slurp of red wine*. Hic…yes I’m delighted to be here, wait..where? I thought I was in Italy?
Q ; Si signore. You are in Italy, Florence to be precise, in the heart of fabulous Tuscany, the home of beautiful women, fine wine and unparalleled gastronomical delights.
A ; Tell me about it, I only arrived last night. I was actually offered the job last Friday but was really delayed. I couldn’t find Fiorentina on Google Maps and then got stuck on YouTube for the whole weekend watching Florence and the Machine performing at various stadiums around Europe. It was Sunday evening before I typed “ACF Fiorentina into the search engine.
Q ; So have you sampled any of the magnificent attractions that our fine city has to offer?
A : Yes. I went drinking in the Boboli gardens this morning. The wine is so cheap I couldn’t resist that second bottle of Chianti Classico. Then I got sick into the fountain in front of Forte Belvedere. I followed this by a nice stroll across Ponte Vecchio where I did a little shoplifting. I went for something to eat in Piazza del Duomo but I couldn’t find an Abrakebabra.
Q ; I see. Moving onto football now. What experience and qualifications do you feel you bring to the job?
A ; I had a brief and let’s be honest, tragic, period in charge at S.C. Braga last season. Many observers thought that my team was shit as we crashed out of the Europa League at the group stage. I prefer to use the word unlucky. I was subsequently sacked but it had nothing to do whatsoever with the alcohol-fuelled outburst on national television after our last crushing defeat. I also deny categorically that my dismissal had anything to do with the fact that I brought Formica into my team that week. It was just some other player that looked like him.
Q ; Is it true that you were down to the last two for the Liverpool job?
A ; Some crowd of bastards called “The Council” gave the job to Optimus. He drinks even more than me for God’s sake. Remind me to go to the bookies and put a tenner on him being the first gaffer sacked in the EPL.
Q ; Have you any links or associations with our great club?
A ; Yes, I had a one night stand with Gabriel Batistuta in the late 1980s.
Q ; Can you give us an insight into how you will tighten up Viola’s defence this season?
A ; Well I plan to clear up the shambles of the back four that I have inherited and transform it beyond your tiny Italian mind. I’m playing with an unconventional three full backs and no other defenders. The chairman has given me 100 million to spend but I only need 12 million. I have defenders from Norwich, West Ham and Reading arriving to sign their contracts tomorrow.
Q ; How do you assess your Serie A opponents this season?
A ; *assistant manager grabs mic* There are some great guys in this league and we will respect all of them…The likes of Menly, Isacki, Pratik, Udit, Mark, Forca Inter, Milanista, Bowstring, Daniel and all the others are fine FPL managers and great posters on the site.
*RCA grabs mic back*. Who? Nah, they’re all useless.
That Menly is too nice for his own good, he’ll be wishing he started GW5 again this year after I streak ahead of him by 15 points in the first 5 GWs this year!
Forca Inter???? Bring him on!!! “If he harshes me bad on the FFS bords I will be not happi and will harsh him strait back him”.
Mark? Never heard of him. I would have liked one of those blokes that do the scoutcast though, neither of them seem to have a clue.
Daniel? He’s lost the mind games already. His brain melted waiting for FPL to open.
Q ; And finally Signore RCA…any message for the fans?
A ; *clears throat and starts to sing*
Man of Kent – Manager of West Brom
Breaking news from the Black Country – Surprise appointment for the Baggies
As dawn breaks a bleary eyed Jeremy Pearce holds an impromptu press conference at The Hawthorns to a very small crowd of journalists…
Jeremy Pearce – Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to the home of West Bromwich Albion. I apologise for the early hour, but I’m sure you’ll soon understand why we called the conference at this time of morning. I’m also sure that this news will come as a big shock to you, but I regret to say that Steve Clarke has, after much deliberation, decided not to pursue the post of head coach for the forthcoming season.
Gasps of surprise are heard amongst the snoring of the gathered throng.
Jeremy Pearce – I am however glad to announce that despite the short notice Steve gave us, we have found a manager of quality, a manager of vision, a manager not afraid to take risks, a manager who will take this club forward (whisper’s to one of the hacks ‘a manager who was cheap’).
After a few elbows in the ribs, more of the press pack open their bloodshot eyes, accompanied by a yawn or two.
Jeremy Pearce – Without further ado let me introduce our new manager (whisper’s to one of the hack’s ‘I understand the only time we’ll get any sense out of him is early in the morning’), let’s have a round of applause for ManofKent…
A few half-hearted claps from the press.
ManofKent – Welcome ladies and gentleman. Firstly may I say that I do not see this position as a stepping stone to managing the national squad, nor do I see it as a stepping stone to Abramovich’s millions. I take this position as someone who is proud of the club, and it’s history.
Press – so you wouldn’t consider the England job or the chance to manage one of the top clubs if offered?
ManofKent – Ermm – that’s not quite what I said, and if they were to offer I would obviously have to consider my position carefully)…
Press – Have you talked with either of your predecessors?
Manof Kent – Of course I have. Once a baggie, always a baggie – our ex-managers maintain a good relationship with the club. Look at how when we asked for the loan of a striker, Roberto didn’t try and fob us off with Torres, but lent us someone who isn’t affraid of the goal.
Press – Is it true Roy phoned you and said he had to deal with a selection of mediocre players?
ManofKent – I think he was referring to the England Squad rather than West Bromwich…
Press – Looking foward, how will your tactics differ from Roy’s
ManofKent – Roy is largely an advocate of the old-fashioned 4-4-2, I will largely be playing 3-4-3.
Press – Is that because you’ve failed to invest enough in defence?
ManofKent – I am confident of my tactics.
Press – Will you be fielding Lukaku up front?
ManofKent – Obviously I am considering multiple options.
Press – Is it true you keep changing your mind about who to start?
Manofkent – There’s plenty of time until the season starts…
Press – So you don’t have a finalised squad with less than a week to go?
ManofKent – It’s important to remain flexible…
Press – Is it true your management career has been beset by too many transfers, and jumping on bandwagons just as they hit the ditch?
ManofKent – Ermmm. It’s important to remain flexible…
The press go back to sleep.
Jonty – Manager of QPR
Queen’s Park Rangers are delighted to announce the appointment of Jonty as their new manager for the 2012/13 season.
Jonty joins from Germany, where he co-managed the side to almost victory in the FFS Euro 2012 tournament.
The announcement of music fan Jonty joining the West London club’s set up has forced Joey Barton to backtrack on his loan deal to Fleetwood Mac Town. Smiths fan Barton said: “It’s good to have someone who knows his Joy Formidable from his Vampire Weekend on board. It will make a pleasant change from all that R’n’B musak the rest of the team listens to.”
Despite the obvious euphoria in joining QPR Jonty has revealed that he actually selected the team by accident.
Brighton fan Jonty revealed: “I actually thought I was joining Brighton, but by the time I realised that I was laying on my side which made QPR’s hoops look like the vertical blue and white stripes of the Seagulls it was too late to back out.”
He added that despite this stripe based faux pas he will give QPR 110 per cent, but admitted privately that this was a mathematical impossibility.
Mahfreems – Manager of Stade de Reims
Newly promoted side Stade de Reims are overwhelmed to announce the appointment of new manager Mahfreems. After a long time away from the top tier, Reims will be looking to take promotion in their stride and overhaul the likes of money-driven PSG and Lyon, to win Ligue 1. With Mahfreems being a 6-time previous manager of various clubs and not having been extremely successful, both parties are looking for the so-called “Season of Inspiration”.
When asked about the realistic possibilities of Reims, considering the new promotion, but long history of success, mahfreems was confident in his abilities, “Here at Reims we are taking inspiration from Swansea last year in the Premier League, as they were the “English Barcelona”. We aim to take this two steps further, we will not be the “French Barcelona”, we will not even be at the same level of Barcelona but we will become the most dominant footballing force Europe has ever seen. Every player on my team is as good as Messi, if not better, and by my calculations 15 Messi’s are better than one.”
With a first week fixture against Fratboy’s Marseille, Mahfreems does not display much fear with an otherwise strong team: “For me, I do not worry about the strength of my opponent, but only the strength of myself and the 15 best players in the world, my team. I am not claiming to be “The Special One” as the cocky persona of Jose Mourinho once said, but you know it would be nice to be given such an accolade from others rather than assigning myself this title. However, I am sure that it will not be long before such terms as “The Special One” and “The Best Manager of All-Time” are being passed around.”
Stunned by the confidence of Mahfreems, journalists began to leave the press room and started to reflect on such a speech. Time will only tell whether or not this claim from Mahfreems will end up being true, but for now we can only take his word for it.
We have a lot more in store for you, as we bring you Fuzzy’s presser with his epic standards (it’s literally true this time round), along with a press conference straight from St James Park. We also have Djebril who will hope to play a significant hand in the revival of Calcio Catania. But all that’s for tomorrow.
Good Night fellow fantasy addicts.