Let’s start off with the man who has promised to be our official showstopper (for free)
Fuzzy – Manager of Tottenham Hotspur
He goes about it using the traditional ‘Epic’ way. I’m thinking we are going to see a lot more of them this season.
China Mag – Manager of Newcastle United
There is a certain feeling of Deja vu surrounding St James’ Park today. Mike Ashley has shocked the football world once again, by repeating his trick of the 2010/11 season and getting rid of a promising young manager, who had performed miracles in getting the toon to the verge of champions league qualification, to be replaced by another promising young manager, with ambitions to get the toon to the verge of champions league qualification (and beyond).
Rumours are abound as to why Pardiola has been replaced. Has his performance bonus for last season meant that he has already repaid the gambling debt to lambiarse that “allegedly” was the reason he got the job in the first place? Was there a repeat of the wandering hands that got him the sack from Charlton and Southampton? Rumours that he tried to get off with collochini in a dark nightclub are thought to be unfounded. The clever money is on the fact that Ashley simply thought that Pardiola had taken the club as far as he could, and as soon as it became clear that China Mag was free from his contractual duties with the dutch national team, he wasted no time in bringing him to the club and handing him an unprecedented 20 year contract. He will be bringing with him his back room staff, including his maverick (and beautiful) assistant, Mrs China Mag (who incidentally beat China Mag in the league last season).
While it had long been assumed that veteran Atilla the Bum was being groomed to take over the toon hotseat, ATB’s mysterious disappearance has corresponded with China Mag’s meteoric rise to ffs fame. China Mag has made a name for himself in the deadzone over the past season and a half. He was a relative unknown before that, but a closer look at his record shows that he is one of the most experienced managers in the entire fantasy football world, having started his career with Tamechester Rovers in the inaugural fantasy football game in 90 minutes magazine way back in 1992. He is well known in the community for only commenting on toon related posts. The shout of “why don’t you just f%ck off to a toon message board” has been all too familiar over the past few months. But China Mag takes it in his elegant stride, and is determined to spread as much toon related knowledge as he can, to anyone who is interested.
Many lesser managers might baulk at the prospect of being drawn in the “league of death”, where the list of managers of reads like a who’s who of fantasy football royalty. But China has no qualms about coming up against such heavyweights as (edit….too many to mention and don’t want to offend anyone I don’t!). In fact he is looking forward to embracing the challenge, and hoping that the intense competition will propel him into the top 1,000 of the overall league.
During the press conference, China Mag was happy to answer any questions put to him. He explained that he plans to go balls out from the start and go with three big hitters up front, “sod convention” were his exact words. He hasn’t yet finalized his team yet, goalkeeper and 4th choice midfielder are causing him a few sleepless nights at the moment, but he is confident that his team will be well prepared and ready to crush Fuzzy’s Spurs by 11:30am on Saturday.
NB Mrs China Mag wasn’t available for questions. China Mag let it slip that she was on a secret scouting mission at Stamford bridge, trying to get clues as to which Chelsea players will play both games in the DGW.
Djebril – Manager of Calcio Catania
Press conference: Calcio Catania manager Djerbil
Press: Hey Djerbil, how is the team shaping up??
Djerbil: Fine..There is still some money left for last minute buys..We will look into it if the start is bad
Press:What are your expectations from this team??
Djerbil: Nothing much..We finished 11th last year..It seems tougher this year with Milanista and Mark having entered the fray..The main aim for now is to qualify for Europe..
Press: Anything that has u worried??
Djerbil: The bribing thing in our league.. There are managers in our League who are council members and I don’t trust them.. Conte looked such an honest guy..
Djerbil: No names, no names please..
Press: U start the season against Udit, the manager of AS Roma..What do u think of Roma??
Djerbil: I don’t know his team..I can’t comment..
Djerbil: No more questions u retarted as*******… Thats enough for a month.. I will get back to u after August 31….(leaves)
Fellow fantasy addicts, 3 days before the season explodes, we will continue to try engaging your idle mind the only way we know how. (Not that RVP and Modric aren’t doing a great job)
Hope you are looking forward to pressers from Ginkapo and Catmac tomorrow.