*camera cuts to plush lounge, where a scrum of men in leather jackets, and three ladies in Acquascutum raincoats can be seen necking russian champagne and scoffing nuts*
*the door to the side of the podium opens, and a guy, groomed to the last nostril hair and attired in a long, sweeping black Burberry coat; walks alone – almost dances – in patent leather shoes to the table, where there is an array of microphones*
*cameras flash, and a hush descends*
Laurenţiu Aurelian Reghecampf(for it is the Coach himself): Good morning, ladies and gentlemen of the press! I trust you find our hospitality satisfactory? *smiles grimly*
Reptile 1: Coach! I hear you are adopting a new formation for the forthcoming Europa matches?
L. R.: Well, Vasily, as you know, we favour a 343 in the domestic matches. However, the signing of Dempsey has given us a new option in this regard. *smiles charmingly, signals to the three ladies*
Female Reptile 1*swooning*: Laurentiu – you look very elegant today – is it true you were offered the job at West Ham?
L. R.*winks conspiratorially*: Cosmina, you know my heart belongs here! *F. R. 1 blushes furiously, and a rude noise is heard in the room* *L. R. raises an eyebrow, and silence descends* Besides, my good friend Mark Noble is in line for that job, when sense is granted by the D … God to the owners …
F. R. 2 *trying hard and failing dismally for cool*: Mr. Reghecampf, with this new formation, do you believe we will start scoring some more goals?
L. R. *favours F. R. 2 with a long stare from his blue eyes, she blushes too*: Ioanela, I certainly hope that we can achieve more penetration. *F. R. 2 now covered in confusion, and several sniggers are heard* *L. R. raises the other eyebrow, and silence descends once more*
Reptile 2: Mr. Reghecampf, how do you see our team progressing in this competition?
L. R. *turns precisely*: Ah, Stefan, that is a very good question indeed … As always! *he smiles thinly* The Authorities, in their GOD-given wisdom, have, of course! – put us in the toughest group – so, it will be hard!
First, we have to see off Mr Duffman, a very fine manager, and after, Mr. Bowstring and Mr. Snakejuice, who are, if anything, even better. So … like Mr. Churchill, I have promised the team blood, sweat … and tears! Particularly BLOOD! *L.R. beams charmingly, as the room seems to go cold …*
Furthermore, for the fans of this club, I would like to take them back to the Glory Years of 1985/6 … and beyond!!! *beams again, with a twinkle, and the reptiles all clap loudly*
Reptile 3 *wearing a blue bandana round his neck*: So, coach? *smiles ingratiatingly*
L. R. *coldly*: Yes?
Reptile 3 *stammers*: So … You are not going to play Lukaku in these matches?
L. R. *through gritted teeth*: Why ever should I not? *raises eyebrow to widow’s peak*
Reptile 3 *almost incoherent*: Errr … The new formation! Ummm … and he’s … well … not-the-same-as-us … *the reptiles shuffle uncomfortably*
L.R. *firmly*: You mean, because he is BLACK?
Reptile 3 *stammers*: Not exactly … errr – yes!
L. R. *quietly*: He is EXACTLY the same as us. He – is – NOT – OTHER. If I cut him, will he not BLEED? *L. R. smiles a very sinister smile indeed, which shuts the whole room up, while everyone looks at each other*
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I must go and … recharge my batteries. I trust you will feel welcome to complete the hospitality? *looks at the bar, and smiles*
Oh! I see you already have! *L. R. waves goodbye*
*L. R. departs*
*the reptiles jostle out, and as they leave, they see a very long shiny black Bentley limousine, which is in fact, a hearse, drive away* *two lady reptiles look at each other, uneasily, wondering whether their youngest colleague, Ecaterina, had already left, as she is … no longer there …*