Presser Awards – Round 1

The presser committee is proud to announce that we will be giving out awards to acknowledge some of the best pressers out there! If your presser does not win an award, keep trying as there will be another set of awards given out in a week or two. After the completion of the group stages, an overall winner(s) will be selected and they will receive automatic entry into the Europa League next time around and will also be in consideration for a spot in the next year’s Champions League.

We have received numerous great pressers so far, but if you want that spot you’re gonna have to make it good. So without further ado, the winners of this instalment of the awards are:

The overall winner and runner-up for this instalment are:

1st overall – Sporting

2nd overall – 4vets

 

The winners from the Champions League are as follows. Please remember to post CL pressers here.

1st CL – 4vets

2nd CL – Berbilly

3rd CL – ENR

Honorable mention- Ginkapo

 

The winners from the Europa League are as follows. Please remember to post Europa pressers here.

1st Europa – Doosra

2nd Europa – JK

3rd Europa – Tie between Roscola and TM245

UEFA Council announce new signing

Hello squires,

After thorough paperwork checks it has been confirmed that my signing went through just in time to beat the midnight deadline on January the 31st. I had initially failed my medical due to “excessively high levels of domino’s pizza in the body” but on appeal it was accepted that this was indeed essential ppi fuel.

The deal is a loan deal with the possibility of a permanent transfer at the end of it. It’s not quite David Beckham but I will be donating all my wages to the local Domino’s Pizza.

Thank you for all your support,

tally ho,

the bap chap.

Hamburg SV says something!

Herr Vets, manager of SV Hamburg allowed the cameras into his recently struggling team’s training session before the game against … ermm… VfL Wolfsburg, despite a disastrous last 3 matches.

He was heard shouting “Demoralize the enemy from within by surprise, terror, sabotage, assassination. This is the football of the future. Don’t just stand there you prick, get forward, strength lies not in defence but in attack!”

When asked about his recent shaky performances Herr Vets replied “It’s a blip, Dummkopf! Who says I am not under the special protection of God?” and left the room.

4vets apologises to any Hamburg supporters for any offence caused.

Pressers

It’s been a fairly long time since we published the pressers. Some of them should have been published much earlier but it escaped my memory. But without further ado, here we go.

Interview by Alan Brazil with MJ6987 (manager of Atalanta)
Alan: Mor-ning!!!! Well, MJ, you’ve had an absolute baptism of fire in your first season in Serie A haven’t you pal?

MJ: Yeah, you could say that! When the fixtures came out I saw that I had two of the big names in the first 3 weeks – starting with Forca’s Lazio outfit and a clash with Milanista’s AC Milan in GW3, with a match against the lower profile Grounderz (Cagliari) sandwiched inbetween.

Alan: Aye, so you must be quite pleased with your start eh?

MJ: Yes, well, I was quite confident going into week one despite tough opposition, but I came up against a Forca Inter team in rampant form – my score of 75 was decent enough but braces from Petric and Michu pretty much put paid to any hopes I had of a debut victory as Forca powered his way to 93 points. I shifted through the gears in week two and over-powered relative newcomer Grounderz 79-44 despite taking a 4 point hit – although it was just a relief to get off the mark. I then continued this momentum into week 3 with a real morale boosting victory against an uncharacteristically off-form Milanista (71-58) which means that I am currently lying 4th in Serie A.

Alan: And, after some respite with the international breaks, you are straight back into the big games with another great match up against Mark (Palermo)…although from what I’ve heard on that podcast, he can be an absolute numpty, a bit of a tube sometimes?

MJ: Err, no, I think you’re thinking of his co-host maybe? Anyway, yeah, Mark was one of the “dangermen” that I picked out pre-season – I mean, his record speaks for itself with an incredible five top 5k finishes including two inside the top 500! And, although he hasn’t had the best of starts, you know with managers like that its only a matter of time before they start performing – I can only hope that it is not quite yet!

Continue reading

It’s been a while – Pressers 27th Aug

Without further ado, let’s start off

Gigging Order – Management of Zenit St Petersburg

“To go wrong in one’s own way is better than going right in someone else’s”

 
Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment
Gigging Order today announced his appointment as the new manager of Zenit St Petersburg quoting these more than apt words from the the Russian classic as he sets out to rip out the nucleus of the old team in terms of staff and approach and begin a new regime, in which he will insist on being referred to as Tsar Gigging.
Perhaps even more appropriate is which book this quote has been taken from, with many saying that after the disgraceful way he left his previous club Newcastle (By pushing the owner Mike Ashley out of his executive box and tumbling down the concrete steps to Row B) he has his just rewards for his act by taking on this role as his next move in management.
Gigging however is excited about the challenge ahead and insists Zenit were his first choice (they were actually his third) and now has his eyes set on romping his way to the league title as well as with a few Russian maids.

Kings of Lyon – the new man in charge of Eintracht Frankfurt

After a great start to the season the new man at the helm of Eintracht Frankfurt was delighted at his new position – “I am really happy to be here in Frankfurt with team with a rich history. In recent years the form has not been there but I am here to change all that”. “I was wary when picking my squad for the weekend but the players have delivered so far and I can’t see anything but 3 points”. I am however, concerned with the injury to our main man upfront, but I have a few replacements I mind so hopefully this shouldn’t affect us long term. Continue reading

Athletico Madrid Press Conference following GW1

Good morning ladies and gentlemen, and thank you all for attending this rather delayed Press Conference from Athletico Madrid after our Gameweek 1 victory over Levante. Who’s first?

 

Marca – JK. Well done on the victory, you promised that the fans could expect good things this time around, and although it’s still early days, you delivered in spectacular fashion. Are you pleased with the start

JK – *looks at Press Officer and whispers – I thought I told you to ban him*

Oh, it’s you. Yes obviously I’m pleased, did you expect me to sit here and say, no, I really wanted to lose? I’m a little disappointed to have fallen just short of the 100 point mark, but I blame that on my misfiring skipper and QPR to be honest. It’s a nice way to start the season though.

Marca – That’s great. So what can we expect from you in GW2?

JK – Well, this week I’m up against a tree. A tree – really? In all seriousness, Bilbao also started the season well and we have very similar sides. It will be very tough to go 2 for 2, it could well come down to a straight shootout between Rafael Van Der Vaart and Gareth Bale. I have a great deal of respect for my opposite number, but he can expect to be given a tough match.

La Razon – JK what do you think went wrong this GW, what could have gone better?

 

JK – Well clearly hindsight is a wonderful thing. It shows me I should have played Mignolet and Clyne, benched Federici and Fabio. But I made what I felt were logical choices and I have no regrets. I simply breathe a sigh of relief and thank the heavens for Sylvain Marveaux.

 

La Razon – That brings me nicely to my next question. You had a major stroke of luck with Michu coming from your bench. Do you worry you have used a big slice of luck up too early.

 

JK – It can be a worry, but at the same I feel a good start can be important, it sets you up nicely for the rest of the season and lays down a marker. Of course there will be days when the luck isn’t there, and you have to deal with those as well. I just hope that when my luck is out, my opponent has an even worse day.

 

La Razon – Thanks JK, and congratulations on the victory, we hope it’s the first of many.

 

JK – Thank you, and thank you to everyone for coming. I hope you will continue to support me, well mostly. *Glares at Marca reporter*

 

Press Conferences -18th Aug

Pressers are raining in, so we will try and keep it limited to 4 per post

Rounding of the last of the pressers before the deadline

Bedknobs and Boomsticks – Manager of Fenerbahce

Shock news from Istanbul, where it appears that David Tomlinson, washed up Disney actor, Beloved President of Niue, and the new Owner / Manager / Dictator of Fenerbahce has sent the entire first team out on loan.

Refusing to confirm or deny that the players had been marched out of the ground at gunpoint by a platoon of Polynesian chimney sweeps, Tomlinson explained;

“They’ve all gone. I found many of the existing players to be either too short, too tall, or too average in height, plus the one who was a rhinoceros kept on popping the ball with his horn. Not one of them knew all 57 verses of the Nuie Anthem of Praise and none of them turned up to training wearing a red carnation in their button hole as is the new club policy. Frankly they had to go.”

“All except for Kuyt of course!”

Continue reading

Press Conferences -16th Aug Second Set

First up is Ginkapo

Borrusia Monchengladback (or the mods of Europe as they are more affectionately know)

Those loyal fans who have been watching our preseason training will have seen an odd sight, a man in full white biker gear and a helmet has been partaking in drills and matches. Curious to note that he appears to have the most outstanding left foot anyone has ever seen, and flys down the wing at break neck speed. Some say that he has previously gone by the names of Pele and Maradonna, others suggest that he was born in the outer hebrides. All we actually know is that he is called Alexander Kolarov, the new captain of Borussia Monchengladback.

This man brings with him a fair ammount of risk, but if anyone can turn back time to the great 80′s when these German giants stood tall and reigned over the Bundesliga it is him. So gather round to watch our plight as we rise upon eagle flight. All enemies beware, this is your final warning, forfeit now and spare your pain as we can and will smash you with Thor’s hammer.

wwkd?

Continue reading

Press Conferences -16th Aug

Let’s start off with the man who has promised to be our official showstopper (for free)

Fuzzy – Manager of Tottenham Hotspur

He goes about it using the traditional ‘Epic’ way. I’m thinking we are going to see a lot more of them this season.

China Mag – Manager of Newcastle United

There is a certain feeling of Deja vu surrounding St James’ Park today. Mike Ashley has shocked the football world once again, by repeating his trick of the 2010/11 season and getting rid of a promising young manager, who had performed miracles in getting the toon to the verge of champions league qualification, to be replaced by another promising young manager, with ambitions to get the toon to the verge of champions league qualification (and beyond).
Continue reading